im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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