How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
