I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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