My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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