Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
