how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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