I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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