We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
