The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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