Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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