Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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