Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
