HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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