Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
