But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
