How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
did i walk over a car last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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