Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize