if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
