Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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