I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
