I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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