fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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