I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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