I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
