Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
