I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
