I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
