my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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