i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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