Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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