i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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