You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
