I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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