There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
