Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
