Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
