Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
