$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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