i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
