I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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