a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
