No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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