Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
