so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
