Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
