Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's official drugs can't kill me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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