So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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