You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
