my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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