two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
