Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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