Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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