Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
