I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
