Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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