I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
